The “M” Word

Most people don’t enjoy being sick. They don’t enjoy pain or bleeding or discomfort of any kind. Me, on the other hand, I feel loss. It is as though I transferred my baby bonding emotions and started to feel a connection to the cramping, bloating, and bleeding. That totally doesn’t make sense – I realize – but it still felt like I had something when I had the pain. Now I have nothing but emptiness.

It was horrible. I laid in bed ‘dying’ for two different mornings – five days apart. Apparently my body decided to punish me twice. But seriously, the agony of the “M” word can be multiplied several times. First, you experience the pain of the loss. No matter how long that baby was a baby, it is your fuzz. Your love. Your one and only responsibility. Then it is gone. Second, you deal with the horror that is so beautifully named spontaneous miscarriage. (Seriously what a dumb ass name.) Lastly, after what feels like forever, it is over. No more bloating, or cramping, or pain, or bleeding. Then what? Now you are left with nothing. It is the strangest feeling. Like being forced to deal with the pain of loss all over again. Can I go back to the horrible mornings stuck in bed? I feel like the pain gave me something physical to focus on. It gave my mind something different to deal with – a distraction. Now all I am left with e-mails telling how old my “baby” is and the sweet onsie I bought the hubs for his first Father’s day.

The Hurt

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