I am the oldest of three girls. Growing up things were good. I know everyone likes to blame things on their parents or their childhood but, truthfully, things were pretty good. I can’t remember wanting for anything – beside the normal Santa wishlist crap.
In high school, things got weird. I have never been the normal “follow the crowd” type person and, yet, I have always yearned to be accepted. It is like walking than a never achievable tight rope. I wanted to stand out as different but still be recognized as one of the crowd. I think that is becoming cool now. People are starting to become appreciated more for being individuals than being one of the masses. It has become “trendy” to become weird or abnormal. Maybe that is part of getting older and more accepting of ones self or maybe our society is truly embracing differences.
Being different makes me “me” but, in all honesty, I think it is the hardest to be “me”. It is so much easier to be who we think we should be. Slowly, I am coming to terms with the fact that I am a huge softy, who cries at radio commercials and would rather sleep in bed with my hubs every night than travel the country. Slowly, I am discovering that my visibly hard exterior is really a self-preservation technique that isn’t necessary and is often times misconstrued as a bitchiness.
I thank my hubs for his incredible ability to be comfortable in his own skin. One time, I spent hours trying to figure out what I had done to make someone do something that hurt my feelings. He, on the other hand, shrugged when I asked him and simply said “they’re just weird”. So wait…. it isn’t me? I didn’t make them do this? I love that he was smart enough and secure enough to know that it wasn’t something I (or we) had done. More than likely, their actions were due to their own insecurities or other factors that didn’t involve me (or us). Silly me. Why wasn’t I smart enough to think of that? Another time, he played in a 3-on-3 basketball tournament without playing ball for five years. When I asked him if he was nervous, he reply “no”. He is just sure of himself. Unfortunately, the team didn’t make it past the first round but I admire his ability to know he is good enough and embrace the fact that he will do as well as he can.
In the past year, my life has changed drastically – I turned into my mother. I moved to the suburbs, purchased an SUV (LOVE IT), and got married. Although this drastic change is a welcomed one, it has completely thrown my “plan” for a loop. It has caused me to rethink everything I wanted and start thinking about what I really, truly want and who I really, truly am as a person. I am enjoying this “work in progress” attitude and maybe the person who needs to accept my weird, out of the ordinary self, is me.